Friday Joke On The Daily English Show

On Fridays we tell a joke on The Daily English Show. Friday Joke started on Show 478. Here's a list of the jokes that have been on the show so far:

#1 Show 478

Did you know there are no dentists in Hawaii?
Really?! Why?
Ha-wa-ii.

#2 Show 485

How do you tell the difference between a kangaroo and an Australian?
The intelligent look in the kangaroo's eyes.

#3 Show 499

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

#4 Show 506

A man visits his aunty in a rest home. When he arrives, she’s asleep, so he sits down in a chair in her room and flips through a few magazines, and munches on some almonds which are sitting in a bowl on the table.
Eventually, his aunty wakes up, and the man realizes he has absent-mindedly finished the entire bowl of almonds.
"I'm so sorry, aunty, I've eaten all of your almonds!"
"That's okay, dearie," the aunty replies. "After I've sucked the chocolate off, I don't really like eating the almonds anyway”.

#5 Show 513

One day a little boy called Johnny was sitting in a church. He had to go to the bathroom so he said to his mother, ''Mummy, I have to piss.''
His mother said, ''Johnny, don’t say piss in church! Next time you have to use the bathroom, say, 'whisper' because it is more polite.
The next Sunday, Johnny had to go to the bathroom again. This time he was sitting next to his father, so he said to his father, ''Daddy I have to whisper.''
His father said, ''OK. Here, whisper in my ear.''

#6 Show 520

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"What are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone, too, and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now what do we tell them for Christmas?"

#7 Show 527

Two ducks are staying in a hotel. They are about to make love and then they realize they don’t have any condoms. So one of the ducks rings room service to ask for some condoms.
The woman on the phone says, ''OK sir, would you like to put them on your bill?''
''No,'' he says, ''I'll suffocate!''

#8 Show 541

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer.
There are some peanuts in a bowl on the counter.
They start talking to the man.
“Hey, you’re looking pretty hot tonight,” they say.
The man thinks it’s a bit weird that peanuts are talking to him. But he feels pretty good about being told he looks hot.
He decides to play pool and goes over to the change machine to get some coins.
As he is getting the money, the machine says: “You suck at pool, bro. Why do you even bother? In fact, you suck at life.”
The man doesn’t feel good anymore. He thinks: “Man, something strange is going on in this bar. Maybe I’m hallucinating.”
So he goes up to the bar again and he says to the bartender: “What’s up with this bar tonight? First the peanuts starts talking to me and telling me I’m hot and now the change machine is telling me I suck! What’s going on?!”
“Well,” says the bartender. “The peanuts are complimentary and the change machine is out of order.”

#9 Show 559

What word is always spelt incorrectly?
Incorrectly.

#10 Show 566

A woman is on trial for shoplifting. She is sitting in the courtroom next to her husband.
The judge says to her, “I’m going to have to make an example of you, what did you steal?”
She says, “I stole a can of peaches.”
The judge asks, “How many peaches were there in the can?”
“Five,” she answers.
The judge says, “I’m going to give you five years.”
The woman starts to cry.
And suddenly her husband jumps up and says, “Your honour, last week she stole a can of peas!”

#11 Show 573

What did the light bulb say to the light switch?
You really turn me on.

#12 Show 580

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve.

#13 Show 587

What goes red white red white red white?
Santa rolling down a hill.

#14 Show 594

A boy is born with no body. No arms, no legs. He’s just a head.
On his 18th birthday his dad takes him down to the pub for his first pint and he takes a sip and suddenly, woosh, out pops his torso.
And everyone in the bar says, go on, take another sip, so he does and suddenly, woosh, out pop his two arms.
Then he takes his third sip and suddenly, woosh, out pop his two legs.
And he’s so excited that he runs out into the street, straight into the path of an oncoming truck and, bang, he’s killed instantly.
And the barman says to his dad, “That boy should have quit while he was a head.”

#15 Show 608

A man walks into a bar and sees a man with a tiny head about the size of an orange.
He asks the bartender what happened to the man.
The bartender says, "Well, he was on a beach and saw a beautiful mermaid."
"The mermaid swam up to him and offered him a single wish."
Unfortunately, the man replied "How about a little head?"

#16 Show 615

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a shop window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."
The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said she didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
Then the driver replied, "No, I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. For the last 25 years I have been driving a hearse.”

#17 Show 622

Teacher: Now class, I’m going to ask you a question and I want you to all answer at once. How much is six plus four?
Class: At once!

#18 Show 629

An Aussie bloke is having a quiet drink in a bar and leans over to the big guy next to him and says, "Do you wanna hear a Kiwi joke?"

The big guy replies, "Well mate, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 190 cm tall, 125 kg and I played as a forward for the All Blacks.The guy next to me is 185 cm, weighs 115 kg and he's an ex-All Black lock. Next to him is a bloke who's 2 m tall, weighs 120 kg and he's a current All Black second rower. Now do you still want to tell that Kiwi joke?"
The first bloke says, "Nah, not if I'm going to have to explain it three times."

#19 Show 636

What did the paper clip say to the magnet?
I find you very attractive.

#20 Show 643

A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength.
“I am the strongest, most powerful man here,” he boasted.
He made a special case of making fun of John, one of the older workmen.
After a while, John had had enough.
“Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is?” he said.
“I bet you a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won’t be able to wheel back.”
“You’re on old man,” the young man replied.
John reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.
Then, nodding to the young man, he said, “All right. Get in.”

#21 Show 650

Teacher: Sam, what is the outside of a tree called?

Sam: I don’t know.

Teacher: Bark, Sam, bark.

Sam: Bow, wow, wow!

#22 Show 657

Little Johnny returns home from school and says he got an F in maths.
"Why?" asks his father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' and I said '6'"
"But that's right!"
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the fucking difference?"
"That's exactly what I said!"

#23 Show 664

Customer: Hey Bro, can you call me a taxi?
Bartender: Sure, you’re a taxi.

#24 Show 671

A man asks a woman: "Am I the first man you have ever loved?"
"Yes, of course," she answers. "Why do men always ask the same question?"

#25 Show 678

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.

#26 Show 685

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Boo.
Boo, who?
Stop crying and open the door.

#27 Show 692

Waiter! Waiter! What’s this fly doing in my soup?
Backstroke, I think.

#28 Show 699

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the garden. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?"  The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she was old enough to ask the question, then she was old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the "birds and the bees." When he had finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?" The little girl replied, "Mum told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in a couple of secs."

#29 Show 706

A newspaper photographer was assigned to take pictures of a huge forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.
The photographer arrived at the airstrip about an hour before sunset. Sure enough, a small plane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!"
The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "And make several low passes."
"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.
"Ah, because I'm going to take pictures!" said the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!"
"You mean you're not the flight instructor?!"

#30 Show 713

Last night I had a dream that I was a muffler.
When I woke up I was exhausted.

#31 Show 727

What’s in the bag?
Lollies.
If I guess how many are in the bag, will you give me one?
If you guess how many are in the bag, I’ll give you them both!
OK. Um … five?

#32 Show 734

Three boys were hanging out at the top of a cliff. One of the boys saw a bottle and picked it up. Suddenly a genie popped out of the bottle and said: “Thank you for releasing me from this ancient curse. If you jump off this cliff and call out whatever you desire, you will land safely in a boat in a bountiful pile of that which you named.”
Then the genie disappeared.
The boy thought for a while, then leapt off the cliff, calling, “GOLD”, and he landed in a boat full of gold.
The second boy thought for a while and then jumped off the cliff calling: “DIAMONDS” and he landed in a boat full of diamonds.
The third boy was so excited that he forgot to think of anything to wish for and jumped off the cliff yelling, “WEEEEEE”.

#33 Show 741

Dave and Tom were playing golf one Sunday afternoon. Dave was getting ready to take a shot when a funeral procession drove past the golf course.
Dave straightened up, held his hand over his heart and stood in silence until the procession had passed.
“Dave I didn’t know you were so sensitive!” said Tom. “That was real respect for the dead, that was!”
“No, it was nothing,” said Dave. “How can one quiet moment compare with the 25 years she and I have had together?”

#34 Show 748

Why did the tomato turn red?
It saw the salad dressing.

#35 Show 755

Mum, does God go to the bathroom?
I don’t know. Why?
Well, every morning Dad goes to the bathroom, knocks on the door and shouts, "Oh, God! Are you still in there?"

#36 Show 762

Why don’t tigers eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.

#37 Show 769

Patient: Doctor, everyone keeps copying me!
Doctor: Doctor, everyone keeps copying me!

#38 Show 776

What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
Damn.

#39 Show 783

I’ll have a beer, please.
Sorry, we don’t serve food here.

#40 Show 790

What do you get if you cross an elephant and a rhino?
Elephino.

#41 Show 797

Two muffins were sitting in an oven.
One of them says, “Man, it’s hot in here!”
The other muffin replies, “Look, a talking muffin!”

#42 Show 816

Near the end of a job interview, an interviewer asked a young university graduate: “And what starting salary were you looking for?”
The young man replied: “Around 200,000 dollars are year, depending on the benefits package.”
“What you say to a package of ten weeks paid holiday, plus a company car, say, a red BMW?”
“Wow! Are you kidding?”
“Yes, but you started it”.

#43 Show 823
"You are a cheat!" shouted the attorney to his opponent. "And you're a liar!" bellowed the opposition.
The judge banged her gavel sharply and interrupted: "All right, now that both attorneys have been identified, let's get on with this case."

#44 Show 830
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules. "The female dormitory will be out of bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time,” he said.
"Anybody caught breaking the rules a second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
A student then raised his hand asked: "How much for a season pass?"

#45 Show 837
Police officers lined up a group of robbery suspects. They asked each man in the line-up to repeat the words: Give me all your money or I’ll shoot. One of the men couldn’t control himself and shouted: That’s not what I said!

#46 Show 844
A man rings the FBI and says: "I'm calling to report my neighbour Tom! He’s hiding marijuana inside his firewood. "
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, FBI agents descend upon Tom’s house and search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at Tom and leave.
That evening the phone rings at Tom’s house.
"Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yeah, they did … "
"Happy Birthday, Buddy!"

#47 Show 851

What's pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.

What's blue and fluffy?
Pink fluff that’s holding its breath.

#48 Show 858
Why did the biscuit go to the doctor?
Because he felt crummy.

#49 Show 865
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, if they're small enough.

#50 Show 872

Why do witches use brooms to fly on?
Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy.

#51 Show 879
Where are you from?
The States.
Which part?
All of me.

#52 Show 886
Mr Jones, can can I go to the bathroom?
Tommy, may I go to the bathroom.
But I asked first!

#53 Show 893
Patient: Doctor! I have a serious problem. I can never remember what I just said.
Doctor: When did you first notice this problem?
Patient: What problem?

#54 Show 907

Teacher: Tom, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?
Tom: What do you think it is, Ms Smith?
Teacher: I don't think, I know.
Tom: I don't think I know either, Ms Smith!

#55 Show 914
Why did Santa put his bed into the fireplace?
Because he wanted to sleep like a log.

#56 Show 921
What’s the difference between outlaws and in-laws?
Outlaws are wanted.

#57 Show 932

What did the baby digital watch say to the mummy analogue watch?
Look Mum, no hands!

#58 Show 939
Why does Snow White often get angry with the seven dwarves?
Because of the way they greet her: “Hi ho, hi ho, hi ho”.

#59 Show 946
How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change it and another one to change it back again.

#60 Show 953
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.

#61 Show 960
What’s red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint.

#62 Show 967

What's yellow and can fly through the wall like a ghost?
A magic banana.

What's red and goes splat?
A tomato who thinks he's a magic banana.

#63 Show 974
What fun does a monk have?
Nun.

#64 Show 981
Why do most people have trouble getting blood transfusions in Taiwan?
Because they only have type A.

#65 Show 988
What does a clock do when it’s hungry?
It goes back four seconds.

#66 Show 995
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A stick.

#67 Show 1002
Your son was caught playing doctors and nurses with my eight-year-old daughter!
Let's not be too harsh on them ... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age.
Curious about sex?! He's taken her appendix out!

#68 Show 1009
A man was sued by the woman next door because he called her a pig.
They went to court and the judge told the man he had to pay for emotional abuse.
The man asked, "Does this mean I can't call Mrs Harding a pig anymore?"
The judge replied, "Of course you can't, that's why we just went through this."
"Well”, the man said, "Can I call a pig Mrs Harding"
"Sure, why not", the judge replied.
The man then turned around, looked his neighbour and said, "Good Morning Mrs. Harding."

#69 Show 1016
Lucy and Kate were walking along the beach.
Lucy said, “Hey Kate, look at that dead birdie!”
Kate looked up at the sky and said, “Where?”

#70 Show 1023
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because it didn't have any guts.

#71 Show 1030
A guy walks into a bar and says, "Ouch".

#72 Show 1037
Why can’t Bob run?
Because Bob’s a fish.

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We prefer jokes that are useful for English learners / ESL students, such as: jokes that contain words with double meanings, jokes that tell a story, jokes that are easy for beginners to understand. We avoid offensive jokes such as racist and sexist jokes.