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Friday Joke

On Fridays we tell a joke on The Daily English Show. Click on a joke title and share the joke on your favourite social network. Click on the "I don't get it" picture to see the joke explanation.
We share the drawings from Friday Joke on Flickr. You're welcome to use them as long as you credit us.

#5 Johnny Has To Piss

One day a little boy called Johnny was sitting in a church.
He had to go to the bathroom so he said to his mother, "Mummy, I have to piss." 

His mother said, "Johnny, don’t say piss in church! Next time you have to use the bathroom, say, 'whisper' because it is more polite." 

The next Sunday, Johnny had to go to the bathroom again. This time he was sitting next to his father, so he said to his father, "Daddy I have to whisper." 

His father said, "OK. Here, whisper in my ear."
From Friday Joke on Show 513.

#4 Aunty's Almonds

A man visits his aunty in a rest home. When he arrives, she’s asleep,
so he sits down in a chair in her room and flips through a few magazines, 

and munches on some almonds which are sitting in a bowl on the table.

Eventually, his aunty wakes up, and the man realizes he has absent-mindedly finished the entire bowl of almonds.
"I'm so sorry, aunty, I've eaten all of your almonds!" 

"That's okay, dearie," the aunty replies. "After I've sucked the chocolate off, I don't really like eating the almonds anyway”. 
From Friday Joke on Show 506.

#3 Double Negatives

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive."
"In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative."
"However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

#2 Difference Between Kangaroo And Australian

How do you tell the difference between a kangaroo and an Australian?
The intelligent look in the kangaroo's eyes.

#1 No Dentists In Hawaii

Did you know there are no dentists in Hawaii? 
Really?! Why?