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Friday Joke

On Fridays we tell a joke on The Daily English Show. Click on a joke title and share the joke on your favourite social network. Click on the "I don't get it" picture to see the joke explanation.
We share the drawings from Friday Joke on Flickr. You're welcome to use them as long as you credit us.

#10 Shoplifting

A woman is on trial for shoplifting. She is sitting in the courtroom next to her husband. 

The judge says to her, “I’m going to have to make an example of you"
"What did you steal?” 

She says, “I stole a can of peaches.” 

The judge asks, “How many peaches were there in the can?”

“Five,” she answers. 

The judge says, “I’m going to give you five years.” 

The woman starts to cry. 

And suddenly her husband jumps up and says, “Your honour, last week she stole a can of peas!”
From Friday Joke on Show 566.

#9 Incorrectly

What word is always spelt incorrectly? 
From Friday Joke on Show 559.

#8 Talking Peanuts

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. 
There are some peanuts in a bowl on the counter. 
They start talking to the man. 
“Hey, you’re looking pretty hot tonight,” they say. 
The man thinks it’s a bit weird that peanuts are talking to him. But he feels pretty good about being told he looks hot. 
He decides to play pool and goes over to the change machine to get some coins.
As he is getting the money, the machine says: “You suck at pool, bro. Why do you even bother? In fact, you suck at life.”
The man doesn’t feel good anymore. He thinks: “Man, something strange is going on in this bar. Maybe I’m hallucinating.”
So he goes up to the bar again and he says to the bartender: “What’s up with this bar tonight? First the peanuts starts talking to me and telling me I’m hot and now the change machine is telling me I suck! What’s going on?!”
“Well,” says the bartender. “The peanuts are complimentary and the change machine is out of order.” 
From Friday Joke on Show 541.

#7 Ducks Need Condoms

duck in bed
Two ducks are staying in a hotel.
They are about to make love and then they realize they don’t have any condoms.
duck condom
So one of the ducks rings room service to ask for some condoms. 

The woman on the phone says, "OK sir, would you like to put them on your bill?"
duck in bed
"No," he says, "I'll suffocate!"
From Friday Joke on Show 527.

#6 Parents Are Divorcing

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough." 

"What are you talking about?" the son screams. 

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up. 

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. 

The old man hangs up his phone, too, and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now what do we tell them for Christmas?" 
From Friday Joke on Show 520.